I’m not from California, I'm from Missouri. Most people who live in St. Louis, they would rather live there their whole life—they would rather live in a box, and never see anything else. I just hate that, like even though it's a big city, it doesn't feel like a big city. It feels like a tiny city, because there's a lot of violence, and all you hear on the news is about people dying, and it doesn't really make you feel great.
So when I was eighteen, I moved to New York because I wanted something different. It originally was because I wanted to work on my music career, and that didn't work out, but also there's a lot of things that I've been through in New York that make me who I am. I don't know, like, New York has my heart—yeah, I don't live there, but it has my heart, and it's just, it has a special place. It helped me figure out who I was when I didn't really know anything about my own gender, and I would get mad when people misgendered me, and I didn't know the word for it because I lived in a place before that doesn't talk about those things, it’s more like, keep it to yourself. So that's what I liked about New York: it helped me understand my gender identity, and it helped me understand me.
[She mentions she just got temporary housing.] That’s, like, hugely thrilling.
(What was it like that first night in an apartment?)
It felt good, but also shows you, if you have friends or if it's literally just you and you just kind of have to accept the way things are. But it also felt nice to have space, you know, and not have someone that’s watching you every single hour of the day, questioning you, where you're going. It just—it was a nice situation.
But I feel—like, my friend died recently, and I know death is never a good thing, but I feel like when she died, it made me more determined to get things done. It made me feel—yeah, you know, because I want those things for her even though she doesn't get to have these things. And that’s fulfilling somehow.
It's a struggle. Some days, it's not as good as others. Some days, I don't get out of my bed. Some days, I just want to hide away like a bear who never wants to see anything, but at the end of the day it’s not gonna solve anything—I'm still gonna have to face my problems, I’m still gonna have to go out because if you sit still, your whole life will pass you by, and next thing you know, you'll be sitting in your grave, and regretting everything. And I would rather live a life where I just did things instead of just sitting there, regretting not doing them.
I feel like some of the people who are also homeless don't like my ideal of success. A lot of homeless people I meet, they would rather be rich and live in a mansion. I personally am okay with just a studio. I want to help the environment, I want to—I want to help the people around me. I don't feel the need to have a billion dollars—a billion dollars is not going to buy me what I want in life.
So like, I don't really talk a lot. I feel like my art helps me express words I can't explain.
It'd be better if people talked more openly or got along. Like choosing violence and other things doesn't really help anything.